The Invention of the Pomegranate

Official transcript from conference room audio [Satire]

*Sounds of general murmur and chatter are heard in the background*

God: Hello, Everyone! Welcome. Please, take your seats, settle in. I know we’re in a busy season right now and I appreciate all of you being here today.

*Gentle knock at the door*

God: Come right in, Michael.

*Door opens*

Michael [embarrassed]: I’m so sorry I’m late, I went to the wrong room!

God: No apologies necessary! Come in, come in! Take your seat. We just began, so your timing is impeccable. Now then, let’s get right down to business. I’ve requested your presence this morning to discuss the schematics for one of the foods we’re almost ready to bring to production. I’ve reviewed the proposal, but need to provide some very specific adjustments, and since this isn’t hell, we’re going to resolve all questions and concerns here, face to face, rather than play a game of “reply all” on the message board. Sound good?

*Murmurs of approval are heard*

God: Good! On the table in front of you, please open the file to the summary page of item #4356-F… ah, excuse me. Better if we start referring to it by its recently approved name, the “pomegranate”. Alice, well done with that suggestion. Beautiful use of the anticipated Latin language. Sounds so much nicer than “seeded apple”.

*Muffled squeal of delight is heard*

God: Now, production of the pomegranate is set to begin in what will be called “Iran”, but, given its anticipated spread throughout the Holy Land, and the world itself, I thought it proper to make symbolic changes that will be congruent with worthwhile lessons. We’ll start with the nutritional content, and work through the structure and design from there. Gordon, would you please take notes for us?

*Papers shuffle*

Gordon: Yes Sir!

God: Thank you. First, nutrition wise, I like the specs that were proposed…

*Fist bumps heard*

God: …but I would like more in there. Double the current number of phytochemicals present in the fruit.

Voice in room: Wow! Double?

God: Double. The pomegranate will be nutrient-packed. Packed as in, “overconfident but scientifically illiterate food company execs will bring lawsuits upon themselves for excessive claims” packed. Focus on additions from ellagitannins, flavonoids, and the fatty acids of the seeds, especially that punicic acid. Micronutrient wise, make potassium and fibers’ contributions significant. You get that, Gordon?

Gordon: …pu…ni…cic… acid… potassium and fiber packed... Got it!

Voice in room: So that’s all then, all the needed changes, right?

God: Well… not quite. A few more modifications I would like. First, the number of arils inside the fruit…

Second voice pipes up: Oh! About 30 arils per fruit should cover the nutrient requirements.

God: 30 does cover it, but, I was thinking a little more on average.

Gordon: Of course, how many were You thinking?

God: Between 600 and 1,100 per fruit.

*Someone spits out their drink*

Collective utterance in room: Over a 1,000 arils!

God: I know, we’ll need to make them much smaller, but I’m fond of how this quantity will be culturally interpreted for much good, like, a reminder of the number of my commandments, or abundance out of something small.

Voice in room: That’s no problem. Gordon, just make a note on there to use a soft husk to peel, something similar to an orange, but less bitter and something you can bite into, like a kiwi. That will incentivize people to eat the fruit whole, rather than try to peel and damage the fruit.

God: Eli, while that is a sensible idea, I would prefer the husk be thick and tougher, capable of withstanding the elements.

Eli: Thicker? Okay, so perhaps a skin with the toughness of a rambutan?

God: Little more.

Eli: An orange?

God: Keep going.

Eli: A pineapple?

God: Now we’re talking, but, none of the spiky bracts like you have lining the pineapple. No need to go crazy. As for biting into it whole, there will be so many tannins present there’s no way anyone would adopt that as a routine practice.

Voice in room: Should we simplify the inside, like, the arils sprout out similar to a berry or something like that?

God: Oh no. Compartmentalize this thing into next Tuesday. Every nook. Every cranny. Make it so you have to search through the whole thing to extract the arils. Aaaaand, layer the insides of the fruit with a pith membrane.

*Silence in the room*

God: Yes, Matthew?

Matthew: …Can I ask why do that, Sir?

God: Of course you may ask! The pith membrane will be a layer of protection, preserve part of the fruit in case a section starts to rot. Can’t grow that many arils inside a fruit this size unless you have them grow in separate compartments.

Gordon: One last question, Sir. Looking over the specs, with the phytochemicals included… I mean the juice on this thing looks like it will be a hard stain to remove.

God: *Laughs*. Yes. Yes it will. Do not attempt to peel this thing wearing white clothing.

*Low rumbles of laughter*

God: Go ahead, Matthew, you have one more question for us, and it’s a good one.

Matthew: Thank you, Sir. I guess I’m just curious… why go to the effort of making this highly nutritious fruit, but, making it so difficult to eat it? Such an effort to consume it, given its makeup and structure?

God: That is a wonderful question and I appreciate you asking this, Matthew. In short, by effort there is improvement. Most of you on this committee know that what people will come to call “healthy eating” will not be an innate process. At its base, the body will need energy to maintain itself. The drive for energy will foster plenty of qualities that promote survival, if not a relatively shorter lifespan. Convenience, enjoyment, ease… these all prompt survival and serve a necessary purpose, but a more extensive life will require something more. Effort, consciousness, restriction. Men and women will not be hunter-gatherers on the Earth forever. There will come a time when food will become more readily abundant, such that for some it will seem like a chore, rather than a necessity to fulfill each day. But, little reminders here and there will provide a call to this one lesson that everyone needs to learn. Mortality will offer no guarantees about anything with health, but at the same time, no good thing comes to anyone without a price. I hope that answers your question.

*Murmurs and nods of approval*

Voice in room: One quick question, Sir. On the subject of “good to eat, but hard to eat”, I read ahead and couldn’t help but notice the notes you provided for… what was it called… the durian…

God: *Jumping in quickly* Ahh, patience, and no spoilers for what’s ahead. Don’t worry, we’ll have a lot of fun with that one. Thank you, everyone. We’re all done for today.

*End of transcription*